Recently, while reading my daily devotional (“Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young – a Mother’s Day gift from my Stepmom Jenean) one line JUMPED out at me: “I look for persistence – rather than perfection – in your walk with me”. Wow, bopped me right over the head it did. See I tend to freeze, not move, if I can’t accomplish something just the way I think it should be done. I just won’t do it. For example, if I’m not in just the right frame of mind to ‘be with God’ I’ll often put off sitting down and doing the devotional at all. This sentence was so freeing to me, and it immediately reminded me of the incline…
A few years ago, Jared and I (‘PK’ or pre-kids) were visiting his Mom in Colorado Springs. We decided to do the incline that day, no big deal….sounds lovely right? Well, I thought so until we actually started. See the incline is considered a ‘difficult’ hiking trail as far as levels go. It only climbs one mile but it gains 2000 vertical feet by way of 2800 railroad ties. For someone who is a fair-weather friend to exercise (we have an on again off again love affair) it was amusing that I attempted it to say the least.
My mother in law literally sauntered up right past us, she’s in great shape and was no stranger to this trail. I felt great until about half way up where I just ran out of steam. I would take a quick break and then start up again at a pace I would normally take any stairs. Immediately I would poop out again. Finally Jared suggested to me that I take the steps slow – I mean s-l-o-w and steady, one at a time. I was irritated. I didn’t want to go that slow, it looked ridiculous and I should be able to do this darnit!!! I ignored him and kept trying it my way, each attempt getting shorter and shorter before I had to stop.
He tried again to persuade me, this time prompting me to follow his lead and he would keep the pace for me. I was ready to burst into tears with frustration thinking “I can’t do this”! So I finally conceded and followed him. One. Slow. Step at a time. Before I knew it my breath was coming back to me and my body began to agree with the pace. Lo and behold we made it to the top, and it was beautiful, and worth every single step.
Why does this matter to me right now? It’s been a rough last couple of weeks. I remember this point in my previous pregnancies where I’ve just been sick for so many day in a row that it starts to get to me. Logically I know the end is near, but try telling that to my hormones (which have officially invaded my emotions).
The hardest part for me is the guilt over feeling like 1/2 a mom and wife (on a good day) and even less to everyone else. My husband doesn’t bat an eyelash at this point, he gets it after enduring this twice before and picks up as much of my slack as possible. But my poor kiddos, there are literally days where I’m just surviving between their naptimes and it makes me feel awful. I wanted this summer to be filled with fun excursions, swimming lessons for Grace, lunch dates with friends all the while uber-productivity with The Cupcake Tower and delicious summer meals on the table by 6. Uh, yeah not happenin’.
So instead, it’s just one foot in front of the other. Slow and steady. Knowing that this pace will be richly rewarded with a blessing beyond my comprehension. And ya know what? In hindsight it doesn’t look like the kids are suffering too terribly much. Take for example 4th of July weekend.
I got to sleep in which meant Daddy was in charge of breakfast. Wow.
There was the $15 pool from Target that allowed me to lay on our outdoor swing and watch Grace literally ‘frolic’ for hours
The neighborhood parade at Randy and Tete’s house
A bouncy castle
and last but certainly not least, pony rides
One step at a time isn’t looking too bad now. Big sigh.